


Red Side of the Moon

by HugsandButterflyKisses



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Guilt, Past Yasha/Zuala (Critical Role), Self-Doubt, Self-Worth Issues, Yasha Needs a Hug (Critical Role), all the romance is just mentioned, yasha deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 11:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25848469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HugsandButterflyKisses/pseuds/HugsandButterflyKisses
Summary: Yasha struggles with her place amongst the Mighty Nein after being freed from Obann's control. After all, why would they forgive her if she can't forgive herself?
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Yasha/Zuala (Critical Role)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	Red Side of the Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is just a little thing I've been working on. If you've read my other cr fics you know how much I love Yasha so this is my attempt at getting into her brain after all she's been through.  
> This takes place as they are headed to the peace talks (around ep 90ish) so you already know this is going to be filled with Yasha self doubt :(  
> The title is taken from the Trixie Mattel song of the same name, though the song really doesn't relate to the subject matter. Just think it's neat!

Yasha watches from afar. 

Veth and Caleb stand at the bow of the ship, deep in conversation. Veth has her crossbow bolts in one hand, brandishing them with excitement, and seems to be explaining something to Caleb. He is listening intently, taking notes in one of his journals.

From where she stands she can just make out the top of Fjord's head in the crows nest. He is sitting back to back with Caduceus, who she can see clearly. His eyes are closed and he has a peaceful smile on his lips. Ever since they had boarded the ship, Fjord has accompanied Caduceus during his daily meditation.

A little further down the deck Beauregard and Jester are sitting at a table doing some sort of craft. A chill washes over Yasha before she can help it, remembering the last time she had seen the two crafting.

It was back at the Xhorhaus, before they left for the peace talks. Yasha had been hoping to relax under Caduceus' tree and play her bone harp. She had been getting better, she thought bashfully, as if someone would scold her for thinking so.

As she rounded the stairs the first thing she saw was Beau, eyes closed and lying prone, blood pooling under her torso.

Yasha instinctively reached for her sword, her harp almost falling from her grasp. Just as she began to unsheath her sword, Beau's mouth opened in a grin, a soft laugh escaping. Yasha froze, eyes finally registering what was happening. 

Jester was sitting near Beau's head sketching in her book. Her tail rested beside a toppled over jar of red paint, neither seeming to realize the mess it had been making. The two were talking amongst themselves but Yasha couldn't hear a word they were saying over the thundering noise in her head. Flashes of Beau lying prone, lying in her blood, lying  _ dead,  _ flashed rapidly in Yasha's mind. 

Before either woman noticed she was there, Yasha turned sharply back down the stairs and into her room, chest heaving and eyes watering. Her vision was dark and clouded, but not like when she was in a rage. It was a bleak black nothingness, not the red hot anger she felt during a fight.

She could feel her heart in her throat, beating wildly.

Yasha gripped the bedpost in front of her, knuckles turning white with the force of it. She took in shallow breath after shallow breath, willing herself to calm down.

That was always the worst part. Trying to convince herself that she was okay when everything in her was screaming to  _ get out, run, hide _ . Deep breaths weren't working, counting didn't stop her mind from reliving those moments, and Beau was right  _ there _ and she was  _ dead _ .

This was she first time this had happened to Yasha during the day, though who could tell by the dark sky. Usually she would wake from a fitful night's sleep, sweating and gasping for air. Blankets tangled and too hot around her body. Her mind replaying that moment over and over and over again. The image of Beauregard on the ground as she stepped over her body. The sinking crunch as her sword impaled Beau's body, burying itself as deep as it could. The almost inaudible breath of air leaving her lips.

It made Yasha sick. However all of that wasn't even the worst part. 

The worst part by far was reliving the look on Beauregard's face.

Her eyes wide, mouth parting in a small 'o', eyebrows raised. And then in her final moment, she locked eyes with Yasha. No look of pity, or anger, or even sadness. Instead the part that haunts Yasha. She looked into Yasha's eyes in search of comfort. Her last breath of life. Her final moment.

Even after everything, she still looked to Yasha for help.

On nights she relived that memory Yasha would get out of bed with her blanket under arm and step out onto the balcony. She laid down and faced the stars, allowing the perpetual night to comfort her. She always made sure she laid down facing the mural Jester had painted her. 

The beautifully painted wildflowers reminded her of a simpler time. Of lying in fields with Zuala, hiding from the rest of their tribe. Stolen glances and secret giggles over the burning fire after coming back from a hunt, a flower tucked discreetly in her waistband. It was a great source of comfort for her, especially now.

Now she stood inside, hands clutching the bed frame. Her eyesight slowly returning to normal. Her heart rate coming down.

Selfishly, she longed for Mollymauk.

He always knew what to say to her during these moments. Knew how to comfort her.

"It's alright." he would whisper. 

"Just breath." a hand gently running through her hair. 

"I know what you're going through." confided from similar pasts forgotten, and a present forged together in the travels of the carnival.

If Yasha had only  _ been there _ . She could have-  _ would  _ have saved him. Molly would still be here.

Instead he died trying to save her. And what did she do when she found out?

Abandoned the rest of their party.

God, what was she even doing here? They don't want her here. They're perfectly fine without her, better without her.

Yasha glanced around at her friends on the boat again. All paired up. Caleb and Veth, together since the start.

Caduceus and Fjord. A kinship started by the Wildmother but strengthened by themselves.

Jester and Beau...Yasha can't tear her eyes away from them. 

Again, she is being selfish. She wishes...she wants…

Why doesn't Beau look at her like that?

She had been foolish to think perhaps she had. Back when they first met, back when they were fighting simple spiders in the sewers. But then Yasha had gone and fucked it all up.

She deflected, she ran away, she  _ killed _ her.

And still her heart, mind, soul- her being longs for what she shouldn't. 

She thinks of Zuala. Her person, her partner, her love. Never did Yasha think she could love again but something changed because of Beauregard. It is terrifying and painful to think about. 

And yet on dark nights, Yasha finds herself pondering the thought. How easy it would be to just reach out, gently caress her hair, cheek, jaw. How simple it would be to wrap the other woman in a hug. 

Selfish.

Beau does not want her there. It is foolish for Yasha to even think she would. After all she has done. 

"Yasha?" Beau repeats, bringing Yasha back to the present. She is trying to hide a smirk from her face. "I asked if you wanted to come help."

"Oh!" Yasha blinks quickly. "Yes, of course."

She walks over to the table and Jester explains what they have been making.

"Aren't they so cute, Yasha! The Traveler is really going to like them, I'm sure."

Yasha picks up one of the small statues, a green dick-like visage of her friend's god.

"These are very nice, Jester." Yasha says as she turns it over in her hand. 

Jester beams at her, eyes scrunching up and fangs shining.

Yasha's heart pulls the slightest bit. Jester has never once judged her for what she has done. She was the first to welcome her back, quite literally with open arms. Even before Obann, Jester always went out of her way to talk to and include Yasha. She has no idea what she has done to deserve the other woman's kindness, but she is forever grateful.

The three women work in silence for a few minutes. Yasha is on painting duty, dipping the delicate brush in Jester's emerald green paint and carefully applying it to the drying clay.

Yasha is brought out of her thoughts yet again, this time by Jester.

"Yasha, oh my god, I never told you because everything has been so  _ crazy _ around here but your face! I love the blue." Jester says excitedly. The genuine tone behind her voice, despite it being Jester, takes Yasha by surprise.

"Thank you." Yasha says quietly, feeling a blush already creeping. "I also like your blue. It's really nice." she continues, feeling tongue tied.

"Blue skin is pretty great." Jester grins.

"Blue is fucking hot." Beau says from beside them, seemingly by accident if her expression is anything to go by. She lifts up her drink quickly to hide her face.

All three women are blushing now but before they can say anything more Fjord and Caduceus arrive.

"Alright, everyone come here!" Fjord calls out. Standing next to Yasha he lays the map out onto the table.

Veth and Caleb come up to the table quickly. Veth climbs between Fjord's legs and under his arms to sit beside Yasha.

A flash, and then Frumpkin is purring away on Yasha's lap.

Caleb himself sits down next to Beau.

Caduceus stands behind Jester and gives Yasha a comforting yet knowing look.

Yasha feels herself blush under his gaze. It's as if he knows what she had just been thinking, about what had been running through her mind since she had returned to the group.

Worthless, unwanted, undeserving of these people before her.

She feels Frumpkin settle further into her lap, Veth pressed against her side. She looks around her friends all gathered beside her. Another glance at Caduceus, who is sporting the same knowing look. He gives her a gentle nod and a soft smile.

Perhaps she was a little too hard on herself. 

Perhaps they need her just as much as she needs them.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahh my poor baby! I'm so glad she is starting to forgive herself as the newest episode is showing. Now she just needs to get her wisdom up so she can stop being mind controlled!  
> Also just want to say I love beauyasha with my whole heart, they've been my top ship since ep 1, but in this fic Yasha is wallowing!! Let her be sad seeing her crush talking to a pretty girl :/  
> I hope you all enjoyed, please leave a comment! They truly make my day <3


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